But all this is Your will, Lord. Husband and I prayed about the custody outcome and promised to accept whatever Your will was and this is it. We accept it. But it is hard, Lord. It tears at our guts. In the Bible, there is a lot of teeth-gnashing. We are gnashing everything, Lord. As hard as the rain now falls on the skylights of my living room, our souls scream out to the beat of the injustice.
I seek You, Lord. I am David crying out to you. And yet I do not open the Psalms. The evil force has me at times, Lord. My heightened anger simmers through my body and gives boils and warts and every emotional scar possible.
I listen to my favorite songs on Life 102.5, Lord, Your divine music - or at least the music that You have inspired these artists to write and perform - and the words do not touch me as much. Or at least in a positive way. All I hear is the yearning, oh the yearning.
I haven't loved You for that long, Lord. Not in a way that I understood. I still yearn for something from You. I half-expect some arm to reach down from the clouds and pick me up to hold my fragile, gnawed form. Please do that, Lord.
But I know that You are not that self-gratifying. I want instant gratification right now and You wish for me to have faith. And faith is not about instant gratification. Faith is knowing there is some reason the ex-wife got more time with the kids, some reason why my emotional life is one big thunderstorm. There is always that need to stretch your faith to have faith.
Yes, it takes faith to have faith.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Lord, let me be the bleeding woman. Let me, too, be healed.
1 So they arrived at the other side of the lake, in the land of the Gerasenes.
3 This man lived among the tombs and could not be restrained, even with a chain.
16 Those who had seen what happened to the man and to the pigs told everyone about it,
29 Immediately the bleeding stopped, and she could feel that she had been healed!
32 But he kept on looking around to see who had done it.
33 Then the frightened woman, trembling at the realization of what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and told him what she had done.Mark 5:1-34
I, too, am afraid to come too close. I have suffered for so long, for thirty-something years, Lord. Do I dare come close? All this time, have I been too afraid? Have I really come to you at my lowest, repented, and sought You out?
Yes, I did last night. You know the details, Lord; I was at my worst, my ugliest, and out of exhausted tears, I whispered, "help me."
I will follow You through dark disaster And sing hallelujah through the pain
~ "All My Praise," by Selah
All I did after that was sleep, and although today I am not bright and cheery, I no longer feel the evil within me and for that I am grateful.
Lord, I wish to know You more. I wish to be worthy of You. I wish to love and be loved.
Lord, heal this wounded spirit.