Saturday, May 28, 2011

My Doing

I admit it: I'm a bit sheepish. I've not written a blog entry here in a long while. I've become somewhat disenchanted with the computer for the past month or so. I've felt dry as a bone as a writer and so the two, combined, meant not a lot of blog posts. I feel I must apologize because I strongly feel that part of God's will for me is to keep this blog ongoing, to write out my questions, realizations, successes, failures, as I come to Jesus. I guess this is just another confession.

I have not been far from God during this time, however. I have continued to read the Bible, listen to my Christian music, read my other Christian books, listening to my Christian talk radio, going to church, talking to Husband about God...

and yet I have been missing something.

Fellowship. Everything I listed above has been somewhat isolating. I love my church, but I have not made close friends as of yet. I read alone. I read the Bible with Husband, but we all need more than one friend in this life, in this faith journey.

Perhaps I was afraid to come to the keyboard and write about my faith because not much was happening. Reading and listening and talking are great, but what was I doing?

I want to live the life of a Christian. I want to love like Christ loves. I want to feel God's love completely and totally and uninhibitedly. As much as I was reaching for his presence, I was missing the key component of doing.

What is "doing?" Doing, to me, means taking all the love of the Lord, the Gospel, everything that is inside you and spreading that out into the world. Being an example. Sharing the love, the truth, and the life.

I forgot who said this amazing analogy, but someone said, when talking to non-believers about Christianity, to not cut off their nose and then ask them to smell a rose. not put down their beliefs or say "I am better than you," or anything of the sort. Teach by living.

I want to embody the Light I carry within me. I want to glow with peace and love and the knowledge that I am forgiven of my sins, that Jesus gave that to me, that nothing I could do could make God stop loving me.

And people, friends, would see my light shine and ask, "why do you glow so much?" I can tell them why.

So in coming to the keyboard tonight, I am starting my doing.

What has helped that, tremendously, has been getting in touch with a Christian women's group over at a different church. They have welcomed me with open arms even if I do come from a different church - we all are so supportive of each other here. I reached out to a woman and we have met twice, in fellowship, talking about our faith and our lives. I finally have a spiritual mentor. Soon, I will join this group and be able to talk about my faith and ask questions and add thoughts every week. This fills me with joy.

I am not only one anymore.


Saturday, May 14, 2011

My First Year on Earth at 33

My quiet, earnest prayer for each of you,
in whatever bit of blessed and broken place you live this weekend, kindest friends…
your lives the sweet fragrance of a crushed and risen Christ…
~Ann Voskamp over at A Holy Experience

My birthday is today. I turn 33 years old, the age of Christ when he was crucified. I think of this and hear it as "the Jesus year." The year he died and the year he ascended. I read Ann's prayer for her readers and friends and loved ones and I smell the air - a bit of brokenness here, a bit of recovery there.

I smell the air and I smell birthday candles. A pizza in the oven. I close my eyes and imagine the heavy scent of incense. Sweat. The prayers that have been said on my behalf, by the people who know what I am going through.

I wish to send my prayers out to you, too. I apologize for not writing in so long. My road has been tough. But I send you the constant reminder that there is Someone who is greater and bigger than anyOne you've ever known.

Lean on Jesus. I am just learning how to do that.

My 32 years taught me that I could only lean on myself. Depend on myself.

Let my 33rd year teach me to close my eyes and seek Jesus.

In the year of death and resurrection, I will

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding

Proverbs 3:5

I wish for all of you giant amounts of faith and humongous-open-hearted love.

Thank you, God, for this birth day of mine.