More than Crumbs (another pre-post of my church newsletter essay)

image copyright The Dove Chronicles 2013

She only asked for a crumb. What she wanted was the restoration of her demon-possessed daughter, but the Canaanite woman in the Gospel of Matthew was so desperate, so needy of Jesus’ mercy, that she ultimately asked for a crumb.

She was persistent, tenacious, and stubborn: three qualities that some people would think rude. But put it in the context of seeking the Lord and it can become some of the best qualities we can have.

She was desperate and needy: two more adjectives that aren’t exactly pretty to our ears, but interestingly enough, I think Jesus desires of us.

How desperate is a parent to heal their child’s wounds? This daughter was demon-possessed and the mother knew she was lost to her so she asked Jesus for mercy. She believed Him to be who He said he was, something so many others couldn’t - or wouldn’t.

When Jesus tested her, she rose to the challenge. She had so much faith that she would take any handout, anything the Master would give she would take. She was desperate, needy, loved her daughter so much and had such faith in Jesus, that she believed a single crumb could help.

Do you think yourself too small of a person with too big of a prayer? I sometimes do. There are so many people in this world with so many prayers. Where do I fit in?

This determined woman knew what she wanted and she knew who could help her. She gave her all to Jesus - her dignity, her pride, her ego. She was begging on her knees.

People see begging as “beneath us,” but how did going to Jesus on our knees become anything less than the preferred position?

Because Jesus, indeed, answered her prayer.

Jesus rewarded the Canaanite woman’s faith not by a handout or the dropping of a crumbly grace - Jesus completely healed her daughter based solely on this woman’s faith.

This woman who was small and sinful and human. This woman who was on her knees, dirty, sweaty, and tear-stained.

Jesus gave her more than she asked for, more than a crumb.

If you truly become desperate for Jesus, to the point of recognizing that you, indeed, have nowhere else to turn and you cling to Him as the only one who can help, that is an act of faith. Jesus loves that sort of faith. In fact, He asks it of us.

We all can have more than a crumb if we so choose Jesus as our Savior. If we put all our faith in Him, we receive so much more than crumbs - we inherit God’s Kingdom.

If Thirst, Have Drink

What to say when I haven't said anything for over a month?

I feel guilty.  I feel ashamed. I feel embarrassed.

I also know that I have been attending to things that were, perhaps, more important than my blog.

God has put on my heart numerous times the fact that I have worshiped the online world. And I'm not talking about Facebook or some no-brainer web site...I'm talking about spending hours and hours reading amazing faith-filled blogs, connecting with amazing online sisters-in-Christ, researching faith-related questions, listening to Christian music, adding to my Guinness Book of World Records-Big-Christian library...

these are all good things, right?

"When one is thirsty one quenches one's thirst by drinking, not by reading books which treat of this condition" ~ Jean Pierre de Caussade

and Ann Voskamp, in "One Thousand Gifts," continues, saying,

If we are dying of thirst, passively reading books about water quenches little;

the only way to quench the parched mouth is to close the book

and dip the hand into water and bring it to the lips. 

If we thirst, we'll have to drink.

I would have to do something.

(p44)

It took a few times of being knocked on the side of the head for me to get it, but I was idolizing my desire to learn more - but not through spending time with God or reading Scripture, but by being the academic and reading those beautifully-written, what-I-term "Christian living" books and soaking up those authors' knowledge about the Christian life because...come on...I like to hear a woman a bit older than me telling me about her troubled past and how God redeemed it. 

We like success stories.

We like stories in which we can relate.

And yet...

Mary is a success story. Paul, too, don't you think? A nobody becoming a Somebody. In fact...isn't that what God's Kingdom is all about? It is our world that is so upside-down. God yearns to make us nobodies into Somebodies. 

So many people in the Bible struggled. I can relate to so many of them - they were all sinners, just like me. Why wasn't I reading the Bible for the relateable stories?

I feel God silenced me in some ways. Every time I wanted to write a blog entry, something interfered - a child needing something, Husband needing something, work, other hobbies, whatever it was, something in the past month always got in the way of me sitting down here and writing. 

I realized, after years of grumpy and sometimes anger-exploding-mornings, that I need to sit and pray before I start the day. 

I realized, after hearing the message over and over from different sources, unknown to the other, that I needed to seek God's wisdom about important things going on in my life...

and I needed to take a break from the internet. I needed to take a break from my Christian blog-perusing, even my own blog-writing. 

Then came the day (ironically, after a Christmas gift card was used on Amazon to buy fabulous Christian books) when I felt God say to me to put down every single book except for the Bible for one week. 

And I did.

I'd like to say that an epiphany came and I spent time seeped in God's Word every day for hours and have notebooks and notebooks of journaling to show for it. I'd like to say that I feel that peace which surpasses all understanding. I'd at least like to say that I feel better. 

But I can't say that. Because I don't feel better. 

My health problems worsen, marriage strain still exists, chaotic children drama still occurs daily. 

And, what is worse than that, to me: I barely even got into God's Word this week. 

I did, however, put down all other books. 

It is taking a great deal of courage to type all this down. For so long I've wanted this blog to be a place of wisdom and safety. A place where people could come and read and feel comforted and possibly even ministered to (read the newer About Me). 

But, somehow, I got it in my ego-driven little head that I had to "write pretty." Oh, I could ask the hard questions all right. And I often do ask the hard questions. But I knew that was a good thing to do. We should all be asking the hard questions, right?

But when it came down to doing the hard thing...

what was it I learned that weekend away?...

the real meaning of eucharisteo....

and I stumbled upon, while link-jumping, this old blog entry of mine...

which just about blew my mind...

and I realized that I wasn't doing what I wrote about. I was doing a lot of reading, thinking, writing, talking...but I wasn't doing. 

I wasn't obeying; I wasn't truly listening for God's wisdom; I wasn't truly sitting in God's Presence. 

I only truly wrote about it.

So as I sit here now, I feel a bit better about my blog objectives. I know I can't just write pretty anymore. If I am going to be any kind of friend, much less a mentor or disciple, I have to get down on my hands and knees and get honest with God. 

God, I am sorry that I have walked the walk but did not fully engage the way You want. I am sorry that I made other things into idols: internet, books, music, church activities. Yes, even these very "godly" things can become dangerous idols if depended upon too much. And so, Lord, I seek Your forgiveness and ask for Your wisdom and guidance as I step into the knowledge that I need to read Your Word more. I ask for Your blessing and help in fighting off the enemy - both my own apathy and the real enemy that seeks to kill and destroy. I ask You to direct my footsteps, now and always. Amen.

And so, with some heart-pounding, I joined Ann Voskamp's community over at ScriptureTyper. 

It is called "The Romans Project"  and you can click that link as well as this one from Ann's blog describing why she decided to do this. And you can also click on the badge to the right and be connected to the community to which I have made myself accountable. I just signed up and perused it. I am overwhelmed. 

I used to be so good at memorization, but in early college I had a dreadful, traumatic experience in my theatre class and because of that mess (which included my brain blanking on the script during a testing performance) I walked away from the stage and from any and all confidence in my memorization ability. So I came to this project with clammy hands, afraid to fail myself...but more afraid to fail God. 

But in my stumbling and falling, lately and always, I do know that God would rather me try and fail than not try at all. He'd rather me try to dig into His Word than keep that Bible closed. And who knows...if I stop leaning on my own understanding...who knows what things I could accomplish?

So I invite you. You who are flawed and messy. You who spend too much time watching mindless television because you feel too depressed to get off the couch. You who are a closet-theologian and think that you know just about all you need to know. You who doubt your own ability to get anything right. I invite all of you. Let's take this challenge to memorize God's Word. It is one of the most important things we can do. 

Ann Voskamp writes, 

"God gives us time. And who has time for God?" (p64, "One Thousand Gifts")

Let's make time for God. I think it is the one habit He would have us do. Don't you?

An 8-Year-Old's First Bible Study

Last night, Stepdaughter8, who I will call Miss G for storytelling's sake, asked me a whole bunch of very good and deep questions about God.

I chuckled because I did the very same thing to my mother when she would put me to bed: My questions were more psychological and worldly and not related to God (I didn't grow up knowing much about God). However, I have very fond memories of sitting on my mother's bed at bedtime and having what I called our "11:00 Psychology Talk." I did this as a preteen and teenager, not so much as an eight-year-old. At that age I was repeatedly asking Mom for a glass of water so she'd come back to my room for another kiss goodnight.

I swear Miss G has to come from my DNA, though, because the girl knows how to ask really good and deep questions. Already, we are no strangers to staying up a bit too late talking about "life stuff." To my delight, she has many questions about God that a child would have. Unfortunately, I can't spend the time I'd like to talking with her about it because it is bedtime, after all. I always promise myself to pick the conversation back up the next day...

but life usually gets in the way.

(But what life are you really living if you are too busy to talk about God?)

So back to last night: Miss G asked such good questions that I didn't want to "busy" myself out of them. I told her that we would talk about it the next day and, sure enough, right before bedtime we gathered at the kitchen table, she in her cotton, floor-length penguin nightgown, Bible in hand (the one given to her by our church) and questions ready to go.

One thing about Miss G is that she likes to talk. She is not always the best listener. And one thing about me is that when I talk I don't really know when to conclude. I usually make my point in circles.

So to focus us both, I made a list of four questions that Miss G came up with that we would try to tackle. This is what she came up with:

1. Why do they say "fear God?" Does it mean we ought to be afraid of Him?

2. Why does God have to stay up in the sky?

3. How did God never sin?

4. How was Jesus born?

Oh my goodness! Just looking at that list sent my head spinning. I asked her leading questions about #4 to see what all she knew about how babies are made in general...and decided that that question could wait a bit.

We talked about #2 first: Why does God have to stay up in the sky?

Slight diversion: my stepmother, when asked, told me that when I give my stepkids answers to tough questions, I am to be clear, concise, and to the point. I am to be as brief as possible. I hear this works.

Sadly, I do not work that way. Or maybe not so sad...because I think my stepkids are learning a greater vocabulary thanks to me. Either that or they are learning to be completely stumped by my strange metaphors, poetic and passionate language, and circular points.

Anyway, I gave her a succinct answer to #2:

God does not have to stay up in the sky, I said.

We talked about what Heaven was...we looked in her concordance...looked up verses that talked about Heaven...we talked about God's dwelling place....

but also how God is among us all the time. We talked how we can see God working in other people and ourselves - in how we love, trust, believe, serve, and act.

I know that is a hard concept for her to grasp. She wants to think of God as a person, asking how God was born...

we got sidetracked a bunch of times.

The second question we tackled was #1: Why do they say "fear God" in the Bible? Does that mean that we should be afraid of him?

I referenced biblegateway and looked up the word "fear" and all its meanings. Sure enough, I was able to explain it pretty simply. To fear, in a God-sense, means to respect, to show reverence for God.

Then I said something that wasn't on the docket. I knew it could go over her head...and perhaps it did...but I wanted her to start hearing it now because it is something I strongly believe.

I explained how we learn when we are young that God is all about love and forgiveness and joy. And yes, God is all those things. God blesses us with unimaginable gifts. However, I explained carefully, we ought to realize that we must also respect God and follow God's rules for our lives. God knows what is best for us. He is the Ultimate Parent - even more important than me and Daddy, I told Miss G. And while it is so important to know that God loves us, it is just as important to know that we have a responsibility to God to live our lives under His direction the best we can.

Sometimes you have to tell the truth even if it uses big words and grand ideas. 

In talking about respect, I asked Miss G: "how can you show respect for God?"

Her answer amazed me.

"By reading the Bible," she started. "And...going to church...and praying...every day...praying when you are sad or mad or when someone is mean to you or when you need something..."

I chuckled.

And then she said, "and you have to trust Him."

I stopped in my tracks.

I felt the Holy Spirit fill the room and I felt God whisper to me: take this opportunity.

I swallowed hard, prayed quickly for wisdom and guidance....

"All the things you said are great things," I told Miss G. "God certainly wants us to read the Bible, go to church, and pray every day."

She smiled, pleased that she had said the right answers.

"But what you said at the end....that is the most important, biggest, hugest, most gigantic thing of all."

Her eyes got big and curious.

"Because think about it," I said. "If you didn't trust God...and that includes loving Him...if you didn't trust that God was all-powerful and mighty and loving and all the things we know, would you want to go to church and read the Bible and pray every day?"

She was starting to catch on, but I knew I had to elaborate.

"If you thought the Bible was just a storybook, a fairy tale, just another cool book that parents read to kids at bedtime...would that make you realize how awesome God is? And then make you do all those things you listed before?"

She shook her head no.

We matched smiles and I continued: "It is so important to decide to love and trust God because then reading the Bible and going to church and praying will spring forth from that! It will be so much easier and more fun because you trust and believe."


It was getting late so I decided to end our lesson for tonight. I told her what "closing in prayer" meant and she joined me in thanking God for giving us this opportunity to talk together; I thanked God for giving Miss G a heart full of great questions and I asked God to continue to give Miss G strength to ask those questions, no matter what. I also prayed for Miss G as school would start soon and she would meet people who didn't share her beliefs. I prayed that Miss G would be strong in her love and trust in God and love those who were mean and to pray for them.

I could have gone on and on. I could have talked circles about loving, trusting, believing in God.

But I knew my little inquisitive 8-year-old girl had to get to bed.

And so I tucked her in, hugged, and kissed her goodnight.

I feel a glow inside me as I write this. I don't feel prideful or think, what a great stepmom I am. 

Rather, I think, what a great God we have!

I am so grateful that Miss G is who she is and I am who I am and God placed us together "for a time such as this" (Esther 4:14).

I am so honored by the role God has given me. Of course, I carry doubt and worry that I am not "qualified" to teach God's Word...that I don't know "enough..."

But God does not require us to have a PhD in Divinity Studies for us to share and teach about Him.

He asks us to love, trust, and obey Him.

And I think I did that tonight.

More importantly, with God's wisdom and guidance, I think I paved the way for a little girl to do just that..

****note: I realize that many could argue with the answers I gave Miss G. However, I feel I gave her the best answers for her maturity level that I could. Thank you for grace. ****