Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Am I really that loveable? I don't ask that just from my point of view. I ask that for all of us. I've been through a lot this past month. I've felt very unloved. Why? Many reasons, but the biggest reason is because I lost my thirst for Christ and stopped, for a little while, reading my Bible, reading other Christian books, keeping up with my gratitude lists; in fact, I didn't write at all. And that is a huge red flag: something is wrong.
I've been filled with self-loathing, believing the whispers of the Evil One: unattractive, a bad wife, a bad stepmother, bad worker, selfish, pathetic, the list goes on and on.
When we step off the path, the gnats pester us. The voices get louder. The mosquitoes bite. We sit, itching, scratching, trying to satisfy ourselves with external things when, really, we just need to get back on that path to the cross.
So I've been thinking a lot about whether God really loves me. Can He? Can this Almighty, All-Powerful God love little old me? Me who has sinned again and again?
I didn't really know that I had already answered myself until I heard the song, "Someone Worth Dying For" by Mikeschair. I had answered, for myself, no. I was not loveable. But I heard the song:
Some select favorite verses:
I know you've heard the truth that God can set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you keep asking what everybody's asking
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe
that I'm someone worth dying for.
So I'm listening to this song in the car and tears are streaming down my cheeks because yes, yes, I get it. I've felt like I'm just someone who God's grace can't reach. Could Jesus really die for me?
And then I hear the rest of the song. Similar lyrics, but definitely not the same. Notice the difference.
And you are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful?
Yes you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you are
Someone worth dying for...
Wow. God speaks through that song. Perhaps I can't believe Husband right now when he tells me he loves me... or the kids when they tell me... my mind has been so poisoned... but I believe God. And in believing God I will ultimately believe Husband and Kids because they live in God.
Allow me to quote from a book I just finished, "For the Tough Times" by Max Lucado, master writer of explaining the difficult in simple, elegant language:
"And when bad things happen - does God care then? Does he love me in the midst of fear? Is he with me when danger lurks?
Will God stop loving me?
That's the question. That's the concern. Oh, you don't say it; you may not even know it. But I can see it on your faces. I can hear it in your words. Did I cross the line this week?...Did I drift too far? Wait too long? Slip too much? Was I too uncertain? Too fearful? Too angry at the pain in the world?
That's what we want to know.
Can anything separate us from the love Christ has for us?
God answered our question before we asked it. So we'd see his answer, he lit the sky with a star. So we'd hear it, he filled the night with a choir. And so we'd believe it, he did what no man had ever dreamed; he became flesh and dwelt among us.
He placed his hand on the shoulder of humanity and said, 'You're something special.'
...And he loves what he sees. Flooded by emotion, overcome by pride, the Starmaker turns to us, one by one, and says, 'You are my child. I love you dearly. I'm aware that someday you'll turn from me and walk away. But I want you to know, I've already provided you a way back.'"
Another wow, huh? Read a lot of Max Lucado. He has these tiny books that you can read in an hour. They each tackle a question or difficult topic about God.
Anyway, after reading that, after hearing the song, I felt...loved.
Part of the reason God put His only Son on Earth was to help us believe that we are loved. Jesus felt what we felt. Jesus suffered the way we suffer. And yet he suffered the ultimate suffering, dying at the end of it all... God gave us His Son to look at and say, "See? I can feel what humanity feels. I know what humanity does. And I love you. Jesus has taken your sins upon Him so that you may readily come to Me and look into My ethereal, sparkling eyes, your Father in Heaven, and believe that
The radio is on right now. The song lyrics ring with, "Be still and know that I am here."
I am still. I know He is here.
And yes, I am really that loveable.
Finally, so are you.
May you glow with that knowledge each and every day and when that light begins to grow dim, may you look around you at all God created and close your eyes and feel His Spirit beside you.