When You're in Denial about the Hard Stuff

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Oh God, I feel it. I feel the ache and the gnaw.

I have disappointed you.

You called me and I knew I was a chosen servant

Isaiah 42 (NIV)

The Servant of the Lord

“Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
    my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
    and he will bring justice to the nations.
He will not shout or cry out,
    or raise his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break,
    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
     he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
    In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

This is what God the Lord says—
the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out,
    who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it,
    who gives breath to its people,
    and life to those who walk on it:
 “I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness;
    I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
    to be a covenant for the people
    and a light for the Gentiles,
 to open eyes that are blind,
    to free captives from prison
    and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

 “I am the Lord; that is my name!
    I will not yield my glory to another
    or my praise to idols.
 See, the former things have taken place,
    and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
    I announce them to you.”

**********************************

So God, I say to You now...your servant has fallen. Not fallen at Your feet during the time of trail, as we are supposed to do, but my spirit has fallen. I gave up when I was not supposed to. I let the enemy win when I could have fought more. 

For that I am sorry. 

And yet I ponder Ann Voskamp's words from today's blog

"When did I start expecting successful Christian living to be smooth sailing instead of stepping out of the boat in the middle of a storm?"

Why am I continuously surprised when trials come my way? When children misbehave or, sometimes worse, make such poor decisions that you fear for them? When spouses fight and don't understand. When you yearn for the old life yet know very well that you are right where you are supposed to be, for "a time such as this" (Esther 4:14)?

Lord, I know better. I know that there will be suffering and trouble (John 16:33) and I even know what purpose that has. 

So why do I spin and spit and sob and rot? Why do I get caught up in the I-don't-want-to's and that's-not-fair's? Why do I question - no, argue - your plan for me?

Because...

it is hard.

And we humans don't like doing the hard stuff. 

And I dared to pray that dangerous prayer: Lord, bring it on. 

I knew what my call in this season of life was. It was not what I expected nor what I particularly wanted, but I said Lord, bring it on!

As though I was the karate student in my stepson's class when they get too tired and want to quit. The instructor has instructed them to yell out, "Bring it on, sir!"

And Sir, I did say to bring it on. 

And You did. 

So why am I surprised that life is a daily struggle and has been for a while?

I know you are doing a fantastic work in each of us, yet I still squirm and wiggle, moan and complain. 

I have to do this hard stuff. I can't give up nor ask my mother to sign a note to my gym teacher excusing me from doing the high-jump because I am too anxiety-plagued. 

It's time to do the hard stuff. 

So Lord, I am sorry that this heart is prone to wander, prone to leave the Father Almighty who I love so much. I am sorry I put humans' opinions above Your own. 

I am sorry for regressing. 

Head up and eyes toward Heaven, I am ready for the day which begins tomorrow. 

Nothing extraordinary planned, just another day. However, it is a day where I can start anew. 

That's the joy of You, Lord. I mess up on the hard stuff tonight, but I know you love and forgive me; I know you recognize my repentance and love for You. I mess up on the hard stuff tonight, but I know that you give me the new day tomorrow. 

Hard stuff will continue to rain down, this I know. 

Seal my heart, Lord. Seal it to Thy courts above. 

Enough is Not Enough: A Prayer and Praise Realization

Life has been hard lately. Just when I thought we had enough, God gave us more. Who am I to judge what "enough" is?

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

~1 Corinthians 10:13 NIV

I think if I had it my way "enough" would be a very low standard as I am wont to be lazy.


Not so with our God.

But many times over the course of these past weeks, have I, for the first time, looked at the cross above our bed and uttered these words: "When are You going to stop this?"

I actually said that. I might have also said something like, "when will this end?"

Perhaps even a choked-out, "Why do You keep doing this to us?"

I see now that I was getting more desperate and more disillusioned by the moment.

The enemy loves to camp on disillusionment.

image from http://archive.brothersmcleod.co.uk/posts/show/23

I slept two hours last night into this morning. A lot of bad stuff went down. I prayed and cried for hours, knowing that, at 4:00 in the morning, I could not go back to sleep because I had to get up in two hours for work and I knew if I did go to sleep after my exhaustive crying and praying, it would be harder to wake myself back up.

So I took a shower and prayed. I turned on the radio softly and prayed. I pet my cat and prayed. Then I decided to just leave and get to work hideously early and pray.

I looked carefully at my Christian library and chose a few key books I thought might aid me in making it through the day should I have time to sit and read for a few moments.

One of those books was "Mercy in the Wilderness" by Susie Larson

image from susielarson.com

I can't begin to describe how intensely this book has ministered to me. Susie's story is take-your-breath-away-inspirational in that real-world kind of way, the kind of way that makes you want to reach out and hug her (I think I may email her anyway!) and thank her profusely.

When I read that, during years of constant trauma and one difficulty after another, she felt God tell her that this would get a lot harder before it got easier -- I knew I was hearing that, too, in my own battles.

God told me yesterday that my fire is coming.

This third I will bring into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.'"

~ Zechariah 13:9

And as Beth Moore says, "There is no fire that can't refine you" (paraphrased from "Breaking Free").

I kept telling myself not to be afraid. We all go through valleys and as long as we know our Companion is there, we don't have to feel alone and abandoned.

In the wee hours of the morning, amidst desperate prayers, I looked up at the familiar "Footprints" poem on my wall.

"Carry me, Lord," I whispered. "I can't walk one step today without You."

As I sighed out that prayer, I rose and took my shower and left for work.

The day was a good one. I was with a favorite client at work and we shared smiles and laughter.

But coming home, that same groaning, ache in my stomach resurfaced. That fear that had come to be normal when thinking about returning to our downhome chaos and tension. Something destructive happening nearly every day.

I listened to my favorite worship music (lately it's been Nichole Nordeman, Nicole Serrano, and Christy Nockels)

and prayed more.

I wasn't praying for just myself, mind you. I prayed for my husband, my children, our family as a whole. I prayed for us to cling to God and for the enemy to not find a foothold to step on.

This morning God orchestrated Life 102.5  playlist as He often does for His listeners and as I emerged from the shower, "Praise You in this Storm" was on and while that song is often on, I knew it was a call for me to do just that.

I knew that God wanted me to know that things were going to get harder...

but He had not given me a spirit of fear

for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

~ 2 Timothy 1:7 (ESV)

No, He did not give me a spirit of fear...and I tried to let that fear wash away with every song I listened to on the way home.

My 40-ish minute drive home is a blessing on many days. I drive through rural countryside and the sun (when it is out) is a gift upon the land which my eyes feast on, sometimes even with tears.

Then Nichole Nordeman's song, "No More Chains" came on.An excerpt:

"How did I get locked up inside?
What's this that renders me paralyzed?
I lost myself in small pieces
It happened over time

I traded love for a heavy chain
Another link every other day
I pulled it up and down a mountain
It made me want to say?

No more chains
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away
No more chains
Big and small, watch them fall away"

And I said
Oh, Lord, take this bondage away. I long to be free from fear, anxieties, tension.

I pulled into the garage. I had no idea what I'd walk into. Would the younger two be screaming? Would Husband be so tense he could not even function? Would the teenager choose yet another deviant action?

I walked inside and Husband was lying on the couch, obviously exhausted. He said he had gotten 3 hours of sleep. I nodded. Two was my story.

We talked a bit. I shared some ideas about how we could help this family.

But we've tried so many things. How could we know this was not just the "next thing?"

I don't know, I answered. But how is doing what we are doing now going?

So I hope we can make more steps toward love and freedom in coming days, weeks, months, years.

The evening actually went very well. The teen had 2 friends over, the little ones were well-behaved and sweet. As the evening wore on, I sat on the couch and continued to read "Mercy in the Wilderness."

I came across this passage:

"When God opens the skies and provides a brief moment of relief from our circumstances, is this a cruel joke to tease and reminds us how tough things really are? No! I submit that it's a precious gift from a patient Father who wishes we were not so earth-bound." (p117)

I sat there dumbfounded. The younger two played outside, Husband was downstairs setting something up on the computer and the eldest was in her room playing a computer game.

Peace reigned in our home that night.

The evening was a miracle and I had let it go by unacknowledged.

I felt slapped upside the head. I immediately put my book down and raised my head, folded my hands. And I began the most humbling dialogue with God.

Forgive me, I said. How dare I pray every minute of the day on behalf of this family when we are in turmoil...and yet when those prayers get answered....when peace finally floods its way into our home, even for a few hours....I say nothing.

Do I really only go to God when it's hard? What about this "Praise You in This Storm" stuff?

"And I'll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands
For You are who You are no matter where I am..."

Was I praising Him no matter where I was? Absolutely not!

Forgive me, Lord, I begged.  

How dare I! I let shameful tears fall. And I felt my Father lift my head and say

It is never too late to praise Me. 

 

So I did. I did with all my heart and I did with glorious tears. 

Husband came upstairs to find me in the middle of my befuddled realization and I hurry-told him all that I had realized. What a gift God had given us! And I was just going through the evening as though 

as luck would have it

we had a good night. 

And later that night God had yet another miracle to unveil. 

Earlier, during my car-prayertime, I had decided on the most important (to me) prayer of all. I prayed:

Lord, let Husband see You through me. 

And that night, Husband told me the following:

Seeing your spirituality tonight inspired me and because of that I feel closer to God than I have in a while.

My eyes just about bugged out.

How can we ever judge that "this is enough?" 

How can enough to us be enough to God?

Only God knows what is "enough" and He already promised not to pour upon us more than we can handle.  

It is a bit dangerous and radical when you pray to God what you really desire. 

Because, as I've written before, when you pray for patience...He will undoubtedly place people or situations in your life that will test your patience and thus mold you into a more patient person.

So when I pray for peace in this family I know what I may be getting myself into.

But our God is a Sovereign God and I trust in His wisdom and foreknowledge. 

That night was a big one - of humble realization, humility, celebration, praise. 

I know that not every day will be sunshiny and rosy. 

There will be storms. 

But I swear I will praise You, God, even in those storms because I know that You know there is a clear, blue sky just waiting for Your word. 

  

Spice Up Your Marriage - being the hands and feet of Christ!

I was eagerly looking forward to listening to Susie Larson's "Live the Promise" show today. Little did I know I would hear an idea that would spark a new adventurous spirit and idea!

Today's show was Faith Radio Net :: The Great Giveaway! Susie asked her listening audience, "what is the best thing you can do with ten dollars?" I was blown away by the answers she received. So many people being the hands and feet of Christ, being obedient, but gladly, not with burden or "I-have-to"s.

I'll give you an example that brought me to tears and touched my heart. Susie received an email from a man who said that he and his wife made a Christmas pinata and invited children of families they knew over to their house. Not just any children, however. These children all had special needs of one form or another and they provided pizza and fun for these kids as well as time for the busy and weary parents to do as they wish: go out on a long-needed date, take a nap, go Christmas shopping, pray.

Working with adults with disabilities, I see how taxing it is on caretakers who care for those with special needs. The blessings are enormous and definitely need to be acknowledged, but it is such a hard job. I don't consider my job hard...I consider the job of the person who lives with the person to be challenging...the family of the differently-abled person who loves him or her so much and supports him or her in everything they do...

That is a job full of rewards and frustrations all its own.

I listened to person after person call in to "Live the Promise" and tell what they did with their money. Whether it was $5 or $10 or $2,000 (yes, in one case it was that much), they were such a blessing to others. It is so obvious that when you give (and believe that you are not losing but gaining) that you will receive in return. Receive what? Well, sometimes that amount of money the person gave away will "mysteriously" and miraculously return in some form the next day or week. Or maybe the receiving is simply in feeling the Holy Spirit overcome you and wanting to burst from the sheer joy of it all.

"Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

~ Luke 6:38

So what does this have to do with spicing up your marriage? Well, Susie revealed what she did with her $10. She and her husband were at a grocery store and felt called to pay for the groceries of the woman in front of them. Susie tapped the woman on the shoulder and asked if she could pay for her. The woman's eyes filled with tears and said something like, "you don't know what that would mean." As it turns out, Susie and her husband had "stumbled upon" a woman who was a single mother barely getting by. She was in desperate need and there Susie and her husband were, offering Jesus' love and grace.

Susie felt so inspired by this act that she and her husband decided they were going to go on a "missionary date" once a month. They'd pray to God to put people in their path who were in need and they would go out and bless someone with God's love.

Well, hearing that put my mind and heart's gears in motion. Husband and I are in need of some spicing up with all the responsibility we shoulder from being sudden-full-time parents to the three kids (whom we love and are so grateful for) - but face it - we sometimes need a break! We do try to go to the nearby town and go on a date once in a while, but you can only go out to a restaurant and movie so many times. We need some adventure.

What better adventure is there than to do God's work in this world? What better thrill is there than to show strangers (whether they know God or not) that God loves them and wishes to bless them with a random act of kindness?

"You have blessed us all so
We bless all"
~ "All Is Grace" by Shaun Groves

So I wish to extend that challenge to you as well. It is Susie Larson's challenge as well as mine as well as Jesus'!

What can you do with $5? Can you pay for the person behind you in the drive-thru?
What can you do with $10? Go to a gift catalog like ELCA or Samaritan's Purse and see how far that money can go!

Will you join me with your spouse and be a missionary dater, too? We can go on "missionary double dates!"

Tell me all about it when you do so!

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, 

you did for me.'"

Matthew 25:40

Wedding Day

This post is for my husband and for my Lord.

I was driving home, grooving to Casting Crown's newest CD, "Come to the Well."

I love so many of the songs and have had huge spiritual highs with practically all of them. The song, "Wedding Day" came on, one I love, but hadn't totally connected with yet.

Yet.

I listened to the song carefully, this time:

Listen to it here:

There's a stirring in the throne room
And all creation holds it's breath
Waiting now to see the bride groom
Wondering how the bride will dress
And she wears white
And she knows that she's undeserving
She bears the shame of history
With this worn and weary maiden
Is not the bride that he sees
And she wears white, head to toe
But only he could make it so

[CHORUS:]
When someone dries your tears
When someone wins your heart
And says your beautiful
When you don't know you are
And all you've longed to see
Is written on his face
When love has come and finally set you free
On that wedding day
On that wedding day

[VERSE 2:]
She has danced in golden castles
And she has crawled through beggar's dust
But today she stands before him
And she wears his righteousness
And she will be who he adores
And this is what he made her for

[CHORUS]

[BRIDGE:]
When the hand that bears the only scars
And heaven touch her face
And the last tears she'll ever cry
Are finally wiped away
And the clouds roll back as he takes her hand
And walks her through the gates
Forever we will reign

[CHORUS]

I first felt called in appreciation for my husband with the lines, "When someone dries your tears / When someone wins your heart / And says you're beautiful / When you don't know you are / And all you've longed to see / Is written on his face..." Yes! Husband has completely loved me when I felt unlovable. He has dried my tears like no one else. And everything I've longed to see is written on his face - love, devotion, honesty.

I heard those lyrics a second time and I realized that I feel the EXACT way about how the Lord does that for me. He has dried my tears, He has told me I'm beautiful on many occasions. His love is written across His face!! What love these two have for me!

Other lyrics that touched me were: "She has danced in golden castles / And she has crawled through beggar's dust / But today she stands before him / And she wears his righteousness / And she will be who he adores / And this is what he made her for..." I feel that yes, I have danced in golden castles - had wonderful experiences - and yet I also have crawled through beggar's dust - had horrible trials and tribulations. But you know what? I now wear his righteousness and this... this walking with the Lord, this living His will, this loving others the way Jesus loves me, THIS is what He made me for!!!

I obviously have assimilated myself into this song. I've thought about it in terms of me. And yet do you know what this song is really about? How Casting Crowns wrote it? It is a metaphor for the true Wedding - the Bridegroom being Jesus Christ, the Bride being the new Jerusalem:

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” ... 
~ Revelations 21:1-27 (ESV)

I'd just like to say Wow. The Holy Spirit is surely with the lyricists of Casting Crowns. 

I am married to Wonderful Husband, yes. For a little over two years now. And I have been "married" to the Lord for one year now. And the next wedding? Anticipation fills my soul...