When You Are Wordless

I can't find words to start this. It's been so long since I've written. That's not for lack of wanting, however. There has been such a variety of things that have happened to me, revelations God placed on my heart, spiritual attacks, new kindred friends made, a return to some of my roots (poetry and writing), chaos within the family, and so much more.

I've started this entry about five different times. Each time I've ended up too busy to finish. So I started writing beginnings of entries in my notebook, by hand, and hoped to copy it on the computer. That didn't work out.

I have all these ideas and no butterfly net to catch them.

I have all these reasons to cry out to the Lord in praise

and all these reasons to cry out to the Lord seeking help.

Being wordless, disconnected from you all, is new to me. I've been journaling (thereby keeping my sanity), but not until today has one poem or essay come out.

I still don't know if this entry will SAY anything. I feel I have to let all the mishmash of wordlessness spill onto the computer screen before I can continue.

So yes, I have written a poem. Allow me to copy it down here. Lend me grace; it is a rough draft.

All Across the River

Poets of this world
are like my long-lost
siblings taken from me
when home life crumbled
into particles of dust.

I mourn for them, feel the
phantom limb from which
they were torn, hear the far-
away scribbling of pens
I cannot join.
My club, my posse,
all across the river.

Gospel songs ring with
life the way it is now:
spontaneous, rapturous
praises, hysterical, bird-
falling sobs.

In my sleep, I whisper
Who am I without a pen?
A blur, a fast-forward machine
using hands to do so many things
except what I used to do best.

Fingers feel empty, grasp for air.
Air cannot hold me up.
I hear them. I see them
across the river.
There is no boat. There are no
footsteps on the sand.

copyright LMB 2011

When you are wordless, as a writer, as someone who has lived and breathed words, what do you do?

Ah-ha. It just hit me.

Prayer!

I feel so overwhelmed with happenings, I have forgotten to sit in the quiet, in the silence, and pray. I have been so transfixed by my new Android phone (a huge novelty to have such a nifty device) that I turn to playing with that and all the apps and widgets and whatsits and such that I don't stop and read the Bible.

Oh Lord, please forgive me. I have raised idols. Yes, the phone, yes, the happenings, and yes, even words. Mere words have become idols. The need to post here. An idol.

Now I can't get on my case too hard like I am wont to do. I can be so hard on myself and I know God doesn't want that, either.

But I feel such a need for simplicity. Our days are packed with appointments to this therapist or that doctor, to this court date or to this parental visitation. We come home late, eat dinner late, put the kids to bed late, and then hussle ourselves to bed because Husband needs to be awake by the horrible hour of 3:00am. I don't like the act of NOT falling asleep with him so I choose to go to bed when he does, thereby choosing to forgo the late evening hours to do.

So a need for simplicity. Husband and I say, We need to read the Word soon. And we keep saying it. And not doing it.

As I wrote in the last entry, I don't want to make idols of other books, other people, other things. There are two very simple things a Christian needs: faith/love in God and the Bible. All else is supplementary, in my opinion.

So perhaps I need to accept the wordless times. Perhaps I shouldn't beat myself up so much for not updating this blog in a while.

I'm going to ponder this, sit in the emptiness (which is probably the fullest place I can find), and get back to you.

What does wordless mean to you? What do you do when you are in that season?

Bless you.