Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A new song in my mouth"
January is proving to be very challenging. I suffer from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) as well as severe depression. These past two months have been steady and inspiring. I haven't had a real dip since I began my faith walk.
However, yesterday I woke up and did not want to get out of bed. I knew PMDD was a factor. I could barely sit at the table for breakfast and get out the door for work. I was driving to work and heard my favorite song, "You Can Have Me" by Sidewalk Prophets (see previous post) and immediately started crying.
I had a vague idea of what to do now that I was a Christian. I pray, right? I began to pray to God: please don't let me fall so far as I usually do. Last January started a four-month stint of severe depression. I was afraid of what this January would bring, yet, at the same time, I knew that things would be different now that I had God in my life. But still... part of me remained scared and doubtful. Still, I prayed.
What else do I do? I thought. I cried. I opened my heart up to God and said: "I give myself to you."
I wanted to release my burden, but I didn't know how. I wished that pain could be a physical ball of string, for example, or something that I could actually hand to God. I could let go of this thing and feel the release and relief of it. I didn't know if I could abstractly let go of my pain and suffering.
I tried to anyway. I said: "Lord, I release my burden to you; please send your Holy Spirit down to comfort me and inspire me."
The song ended and I stopped crying. Minutes passed. I drove.
Soon, I noticed that I felt differently. I arrived at work and had a half hour to spend before I was to meet my clients. I felt excited because - wow! - I felt relief, even joy! God had worked his miracles on me!
To God, it was not a miracle. It was simply what He does. I'm sure He thought, "oh my child, just call out for me and I will be there."
And I had my doubts, I'm afraid to say. I thought, how important am I that God would hear and answer me?
Nonsense, I realize now. God has time for all of us. Even the newbies, like me. :)
The whole day became a miracle. I had time to pour over the Bible while waiting for clients. I had time to listen to my music in the car (I'm obsessed with contemporary Christian music now); I was just full of the holy spirit.
I loved interacting with my clients (people with disabilities) and my co-workers. I blessed each one and felt blessed by each one.
I must tell you. I did not think I could do this. More specifically, I didn't think God could do this - tackle my depression demons, I mean. I have been living with them since I was a little, little girl; I thought I was just too far-gone. I just had to accept my lot in life: suffering.
NO! I do not deserve to suffer. Jesus did that for me, for us, and it is an insult to Him to think that I need to. My inheritance is joy. To walk in faith. To be obedient and a servant of the Lord. My inheritance is to listen to God and do what pleases Him.
From dark to light, that day was a miracle. And all I had to do was ask.
"I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and the mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put trust in the Lord."
Psalm 40: 1-3