I admit. I've been angry lately. Grumpy. Defensive. I've prayed and prayed for God to soften my heart and allow me to be a better mother, not to resent giving my time away instead of hoarding it for reading or writing (all noble things to do, mind you).
The girls and I are home today (ages 12 and almost-7), the youngest boy (4) is at day care. I'm off work from now until Monday. This is a perfect opportunity for me to bond with the girls.
Oh, says one side of me, there is so much to do! My mother-in-law is being driven to our house tonight by my husband and I want the messy house to be beautiful. I have to cook dinner for six and I have a very low cooking ability. I want to enjoy the day and feel festive, but I feel so grumpy.
I realize, though, that this is my little girl-me pouting that it can't be how it used to be. She's especially mourning the loss of her beloved mother four years ago. Little girl-self, don't you realize now that you are a Christian, that your mother is at her happiest with God, in His holy light and love?
I guess I'm still trying to accept that part. Being happy for her that she is with Him, in His holy embrace. I actually want to be in HER embrace.
Being a Christian is hard, sometimes.
I've learned that prayers are always heard, but not always answered, or not always answered in the "time" you'd like it to be. God has a plan and it might take you years to realize that your prayer has been answered - probably in a bigger and better way than initially imagined, or perhaps in a different direction.
I prayed for a soul-fulfilling job for years. I never realized I'd be where I am, helping people with disabilities.
But back to Christmas, I feel the devil's pull on my heels...
be angry...be ungrateful...be selfish....these kids are taking time away from you... you are disappointing your husband... isolate... just you and the cat...miss your mom...she's not here...
Even my dreams have been fraught with nightmares about swearing and yelling at Mom, being abused by my stepfather, kitties being hurt...all my usual fears...and plagues.
But I had a turn-around this morning. Maybe it was the sunlight through the fog as I drove my son to day care. Maybe it was getting a mocha at my favorite cafe, maybe it was deciding not to go back to sleep but to stay up and be grateful for the sun-lit-foggy morning and get things done today.
I can enlist the girls' help with cleaning, cooking (cookies will be included), and I will play with them too. I will let my little-girl loose and allow her to really play. She needs that so much.
I look at our beautiful house and our beautiful tree; I think about our beautiful family, near and far, and am so grateful. My cup overfloweth.
No, the Grinch will not steal me away. I'm made of stronger stuff.
And to you? I wish you blessing up on blessing of devoted time with your family, pets, loved ones. Remember to not worship presents, trees, or stockings. Instead, remember the reason for the season: Christ being born and promising redemption.
I'll check back, hopefully tomorrow, with an update of how today went.
Merry Christmas Eve to Eve!
Bless you.
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