When You're in Denial about the Hard Stuff

free wallpaper from Proverbs 31 Ministries at http://www.proverbs31.org/freebies/

Oh God, I feel it. I feel the ache and the gnaw.

I have disappointed you.

You called me and I knew I was a chosen servant

Isaiah 42 (NIV)

The Servant of the Lord

“Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
    my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him,
    and he will bring justice to the nations.
He will not shout or cry out,
    or raise his voice in the streets.
A bruised reed he will not break,
    and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
     he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
    In his teaching the islands will put their hope.”

This is what God the Lord says—
the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out,
    who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it,
    who gives breath to its people,
    and life to those who walk on it:
 “I, the Lord, have called you in righteousness;
    I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you
    to be a covenant for the people
    and a light for the Gentiles,
 to open eyes that are blind,
    to free captives from prison
    and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness.

 “I am the Lord; that is my name!
    I will not yield my glory to another
    or my praise to idols.
 See, the former things have taken place,
    and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
    I announce them to you.”

**********************************

So God, I say to You now...your servant has fallen. Not fallen at Your feet during the time of trail, as we are supposed to do, but my spirit has fallen. I gave up when I was not supposed to. I let the enemy win when I could have fought more. 

For that I am sorry. 

And yet I ponder Ann Voskamp's words from today's blog

"When did I start expecting successful Christian living to be smooth sailing instead of stepping out of the boat in the middle of a storm?"

Why am I continuously surprised when trials come my way? When children misbehave or, sometimes worse, make such poor decisions that you fear for them? When spouses fight and don't understand. When you yearn for the old life yet know very well that you are right where you are supposed to be, for "a time such as this" (Esther 4:14)?

Lord, I know better. I know that there will be suffering and trouble (John 16:33) and I even know what purpose that has. 

So why do I spin and spit and sob and rot? Why do I get caught up in the I-don't-want-to's and that's-not-fair's? Why do I question - no, argue - your plan for me?

Because...

it is hard.

And we humans don't like doing the hard stuff. 

And I dared to pray that dangerous prayer: Lord, bring it on. 

I knew what my call in this season of life was. It was not what I expected nor what I particularly wanted, but I said Lord, bring it on!

As though I was the karate student in my stepson's class when they get too tired and want to quit. The instructor has instructed them to yell out, "Bring it on, sir!"

And Sir, I did say to bring it on. 

And You did. 

So why am I surprised that life is a daily struggle and has been for a while?

I know you are doing a fantastic work in each of us, yet I still squirm and wiggle, moan and complain. 

I have to do this hard stuff. I can't give up nor ask my mother to sign a note to my gym teacher excusing me from doing the high-jump because I am too anxiety-plagued. 

It's time to do the hard stuff. 

So Lord, I am sorry that this heart is prone to wander, prone to leave the Father Almighty who I love so much. I am sorry I put humans' opinions above Your own. 

I am sorry for regressing. 

Head up and eyes toward Heaven, I am ready for the day which begins tomorrow. 

Nothing extraordinary planned, just another day. However, it is a day where I can start anew. 

That's the joy of You, Lord. I mess up on the hard stuff tonight, but I know you love and forgive me; I know you recognize my repentance and love for You. I mess up on the hard stuff tonight, but I know that you give me the new day tomorrow. 

Hard stuff will continue to rain down, this I know. 

Seal my heart, Lord. Seal it to Thy courts above. 

Praying for the Light Unto Their Path

A busy day of trying to get things done yet trying to relax and breathe as well.

But I pause in my busy relaxing to ask you to please pray for a dear sister in Christ who is journeying tomorrow to Guatemala on behalf of World Help and Operation Baby Rescue. You can read all about it here.

Her name is Michele-Lyn and she blogs at A Life Surrendered. which is my new favorite blog. I am constantly more and more astounded by this beautiful woman - her testimony is not for the faint of heart and she writes and lives in such grace and honesty that it makes me want to summon myself and my other friends and have us all unite in following God's ways more obediently.

Michele-Lyn will be blogging as part of the team going to Guatemala for World Help and I hope you follow her stories there.

She leaves tomorrow and, as you can read on her latest blog entry, she is feeling all the normal heart-flurries one feels before they embark on a life-altering journey. I remember feeling very similar things before my trip to Honduras and, to be honest, she is going far deeper into the trenches of poor and sickness and fear and death than I ever tip-toed in.

So I ask you to lift Michele-Lyn and all the people journeying to Guatemala this week up in prayer:

Dear Heavenly Father, so good and so loving,
We ask You to bless the efforts of the World Help volunteers, missionaries, and bloggers as they leave the safety of what they know to go and serve what we would call the very least of us: babies that need rescuing, adults and children that need comforting and the Good News that only You can bring.  I pray that You direct their footsteps according to Your Word (Ps 119:133) and uphold them in Your protection and righteousness. Though their hearts may break and grow weary from the sin and sadness in this world, make Your presence known to them so that they may feel hope and rely on Your provisions. You have us all in your mighty hand.  For You are a mighty savior and take delight in us with gladness. You calm our fears and rejoice over us with joyful songs (Zephaniah 3:17 NLT). We thank You and praise You for the work that will be done by these precious Christ-followers as You send them out. We pray this all in Jesus' holy and unfailing name. 
Amen.

Thank you, friends, for taking part in this prayer with me. My heart beats strongly for this mission. I'm not sure why. I don't question the passion I feel, though, I obey it. And though I want to drop everything I am doing here at home and join them, I know God wants me here, serving my family in this very specific way. So I must be content to pray fervently and unceasingly.

I encourage you to get to know Michele-Lyn over at her blog, A Life Surrendered as well as checking up on their experiences in Guatemala. 

Blessings as I leave you with this beautiful picture, taken from this website. 

Crossover

I think about my newly-turned 14-year-old stepdaughter and what it would be like for her be blinked off to Central America to switch lives with 13-year-old Daniela for a day. The thought stretches my mind like a rubber band - tight and resistant. But I go there anyway:

She was there in May, my 14 year old,
and mortified over her shoes.
Her $60.00 hiking boots she was too
embarrassed to wear in this rural village.
Not because of their extravagance
but because they "weren't cool."
She was worried about how she looked.

Did she look?
Around her? At the others?
Did she look at their feet?
Covered with worn shoes - maybe...
maybe barefoot.

Did she see their ground?
A kind of dirty my 14-year-old
saves for fast bike rides as a kid,
to see how much dirt she could spit up
from her tires.

These people live on dirt floors
and tires may be used for far more
than we understand.

Did she see the food they served us
and how they watched, eagerly,
for our approval?
They fixed us up extravagantly
yet, themselves, had nothing.

Once home, at our first family dinner.
I remember cooking up vegetables
on the stove

and it hit me
when the kids were fighting
at the table
over something trivial.

I cringed
not just at the bickering
but the Big Deal
we make out of so much.

When they
our "other family" out there
could make a big deal
out of so much
because
they have
so little.

If my 14-year-old switched lives
with our sponsor child
there'd be more than culture shock.
I pray there would be the kind of
recognition
only a God-sized miracle
can produce.

If I switched lives
with her mother,
sun-scorched face and wrinkles
explaining worry without words,
I wouldn't know the first thing
to do.

How do I ask for help?
How would my husband?
Fathers are to provide for the family
so what does Mr. F. think about
his daughter being sponsored
by us?

I had the chance to ask him in May.
And he smiled and nodded.
It was genuine.
His wife gushed sobs of gratitude
as he looked at the dirt ground
and she explained he was always working
and could not be in the family photos.
Forgive them? she asked.

Forgive them?
Forgive us, Mrs. F.
Forgive our apathy.
Forgive us assuming the "other guy"
will take care of it.
Forgive us for grazing over
our meatloaf and mashed potatoes
and not thanking, thanking,
thanking God ever-so-much
for each and every blessing
He bestows upon us

which includes your family, Daniela,
and your whole community. 

The other night
I told my two younger stepchildren,
8 and 5
that a family a world away
living on dirt floors
eating rice, beans, and tortillas every night
prayed for our family 
every morning.

Our family - I emphasized. 
Our family with the xBox
and the DVD player
and the fast-spinning washer and dryer.
Our family who is often too busy
to laugh and look in each other's eyes
because of poms and karate
and jobs us parents stress over.

That family prays for this family.

So that night
our family got together
and prayed for that family.

And prayers -
they are not so different
even if they come from different worlds

even if they come from different floors:
one dirt, one tile.

We are still two families
on our knees
praying for the other
to love God
with all our heart and all our soul
and all our mind.
******************************************

No, I cannot quite imagine switching places with a poverty-stricken family. I can't quite imagine not knowing if my children will have food for their next meal or if I was going to die of HIV or not and, if so, who would care for my children?

Fortunately, there are people and organizations stepping up and following God's call to the hands and feet of Christ. Organizations like Compassion International, the one I am focusing on this month, the one I so dearly love and feel strongly about. They don't just take money and toss it to the poor, hoping it will be used wisely. They invest. They teach. They help them with sustainability. 

And they invite you, this September, to take a bold step and sponsor a child and join the ranks of people sponsoring children.

It is a gift beyond description - to the child and to you, as well.

May God speak into your heart this day.

Tegucigalpa, capital of Honduras

Pin Up Joy

Good morning, friends!
This week I am excited to share my Pinterest board entitled, "My Sponsored Child" as part of our ongoing effort to engage you in conversation with child sponsorship through Compassion International and to encourage sponsoring a child, yourself!

This week we were encouraged to make a Pinterest board showing our enthusiasm and love for child sponsorship. On my board I have pinned pictures from Compassion's Pinterest collection as well as my own photos from visiting Daniela. I hope you enjoy the visual joy of child sponsorship. And while you are at it, go search for other "My Sponsored Child" Pinterest boards and see what others have pinned.

My Sponsored Child Pinterest Board

from Shaun Groves' Third World Symphony Pinterest Board

Dreaming Your Everything

I opened my email earlier this week to find this week's September Compassion Blogger idea. Easy, I thought. Write a letter to God. About child sponsorship.

Sure, I can do that. I can thank God for my two sponsor girls, I can thank God for giving me the opportunity to have a relationships with them and, thus, with God, Himself. And so I sat down to write. And things just came out...well, plain.

And then, days later, I had a dream about Daniela.

I've never dreamed about Daniela before. She's the sponsor child I've had for 8 years and who I visited this past May.

The dream I had last night was more vivid and more real than what I actually remember from our visit. Isn't that weird? Yet, without that time of us meeting face-to-face, despite our shyness and nervousness, this dream couldn't have impacted me as much as it did.

All I remember from the dream was talking with her (we spoke the same language, which was strange) and looking into those deep, intensely dark eyes, her ebony hair flowing behind her, that gorgeous smile. And I remember the hug. I remember hugging her so tightly that when I awoke I literally ached for her.

Tonight, I sat outside on my back porch at twilight and cried.

I missed Daniela.

I ached for her.

And, so, I write my letter to God now. Here.

************************************************
Dear Heavenly Father,
I can see her so clearly in my head, Lord. Wearing that yellow shirt which starkly contrasted with her Latin American complexion and dark eyes and hair. She looked like a supermodel. In real life, Lord, not just in my dream. Daniela was more beautiful than I can ever imagine and I thank You so much for giving me the opportunity to meet her.

Not many sponsors can say they got to meet their sponsor child. I feel so very fortunate. And yet my heart aches because that dream...I felt so close to her in my dream...and yet, tonight, I cry because I feel so far away.

I miss her, Lord. I wish I could return to Central America and do all the things I would have done in hindsight. I wish I could  have been less shy, less nervous. Funny, in a recent letter, she wrote the same thing to me. She's 13, Lord, and she wrote to her 34-year-old "Madrina" (which means Godmother in Spanish) that she wished she was less self-conscious and could have been more outgoing during our visit.

A teenager wishes this, a teenager who, by hormonal nature, is usually shy and unsure. A teenager told this to a 34-year-old who, by most understanding, ought to be confident and well-spoken. Well, I was just as nervous and unsure as she was.

I couldn't stop smiling when I saw her in person, and I tried to strike up questions, but I just felt too nervous.

Not so in this dream. In my dream, we were laughing and sharing stories and loving each other.

And I awoke with such a clear picture of how I now want to visit her.

So on my back porch, Lord, I pray:

Thank you for the gift of Daniela and my other sponsor child in Indonesia, an 8 year old spirited girl who has the most intriguing eyes.

Thank you that my letters, prayers, and my monthly giving can impact a child so deeply.

And thank you, Lord, that these children's letters and prayers for me can impact me so deeply. I never expected it to be such a reciprocal road.

Thank you, Lord, for You - who connect these children and myself across miles and miles, across mountains and oceans, across political strife and poverty. You are the common link, Lord. You are our bridge. You are our common language.

I write that to Daniela a lot - I even told her when we all met in her church building - I said how amazed I was that God could connect one girl in Central America to one woman in the United States (I held one arm out to one side and the other arm out to the other side and then closed the gap to illustrate).

L-R, My stepdaughter, our translator, and myself (copyright Lisa Auter 2012)

What an amazing God we have!

For these children, Lord, I pray that You would give them Your Holy Spirit to guide them. Help their parents raise them in Your Ways. Guide these young girls to womanhood knowing their value in Your eyes. Teach them how good it is to be a Christ-follower.

Of course, I pray for their daily needs, Lord. That is a given. That is what people mostly think of when they think of monthly giving to a sponsor child: how the money will give them more food, better water, a chance at education, and better medical guidance. And that is all true - Compassion International does all that.

But Compassion does so much more.

Children don't just need food in their bellies; they need God's kiss on their foreheads. Mosquito netting is vital - as vital as knowing God is everything.

Lord, give them Your Everything.

This I pray in Your Precious and Life-Saving Name,

Amen.
**************************************************

Will you consider helping a child get their Everything?

The road is not one-way.

In return, you will get more than you ever could dream of.

I know; I dreamed it. And it was real.

You will get your Everything, too.

Pray about sponsoring a child. There are so many waiting, wondering, and dreaming their own dreams.

God bless you in your prayerful consideration.

village girls praying before the meal (copyright Lisa Auter 2012)

Helping the Many-More

This is my first day as a Compassion Blogger for the month of September. I feel a bit nervous, but excited to be given this opportunity to blog on behalf of children around the world who need the help of the many so badly.

This is not the many helping the few. This is the many helping the even more-many. 

That might not be a word you learned in your elementary school English class, but I think it fits. Do we realize, and I mean more than in a statistical sense, just how many malnourished and hungry and sick children there are in the world? Do we look around at all that we have and think that we acquired these things through our own deeds and successes? For myself, I strive to realize every day that the things I have are actually blessings from God and to Him be the glory of it all!

Now that is a wonderful thing to say, isn't it?

"I dedicate all I have to the Lord."

But, oh, how I yearn to live that every day of my life.

Too many times I get that candy bar when I make a trip to Walgreens for medicine. I might add a soda for the next day because, my goodness, I always seem to be sleep-deprived. Too often I walk into my beautiful house and scan the clean, wooden floor and tisk myself over the few scuffs. Too often I listen to the sound of running water without realizing how fortunate I am to have it. A washer and dryer - HE-detergent, no less. 4 bedrooms in the house. All of my children have their own room and we have a packed fridge.

Too often I skim past my blessings. I want to put my foot down and even bend knee and thank God above for all He gives.

When I went to Honduras, I truly knew the word need in a whole new light. But, surprisingly, these needy people were, for the most part, more joyful and happy than I had ever known. They knew the Lord in a way I had never imagined. They had to lean on Him for everything. Lacking adequate shelter, medicine, food, safe drinking water, they knew who their God was and they grew strong by their faith.

I felt like the person in need.

When I wrote about our call to serve, I was overwhelmed with the fact that we all need to open our eyes more. We need to open our selves more and not be afraid or intimidated by those in this world who are so sick or hungry that it hurts our hearts too much to look.

Don't look away. 

Instead, look here.
Did you miss that link? Here it is, plainly:
http://www.compassion.com/sponsor_a_child/default.htm

Yes, you read right. It says Sponsor a Child.

Now let me be clear. Sponsoring a child will not solve the world's hunger and poverty problem.

But look at Jesus' life in serving and teaching: He gave some lectures and sermons to a huge group...but Jesus touched many lives on an individual basis. He knew that for them to know God personally, He would share and commune with them.

Taking the money I use to go out once a month or saving the money I'd normally spend on Walgreens candy bars or coffee drinks -- all that can add up.

And it doesn't just add up to the monthly fee of child sponsorship.

It adds up to a relationship, first through letters, with one child.

You write letters, send your love, across the world to that one child who will come to love you more than you thought possible.

Then it will turn into you touching that entire family.

Then, miraculously, because of the work of Compassion International, that impact will reach the entire community as Compassion workers integrate health and God and love.

And, quite possibly, you might be in the position to introduce that child, that family, that community to the wonder of knowing Jesus as their Christ.

The things we, as sponsors, do on our parts feels so small...

but, as one who visited her sponsor child this past May in Honduras, my part in Daniela's life has been huge.

She calls me Godmother.

Her family prays for my family on a daily basis.

They have all my pictures and letters - 8 years' worth.

Daniela tells me she has prayed for the day to meet me.

I walked into that village and saw how the school has improved through the loving guidance of that organization. I listened as her mother sobbed gratitude to me.

No more than $40 dollars a month for the past 8 years gave me that (it's different for each organization, but roughly between $25 and $35).

Writing letters and praying and sending my monthly support- all that changed a 4 year old's life - and now that she is newly 13 years old, I see how it has impacted her family's life, her community's life, and it baffles me.

I never thought my letters and monthly giving would sum up to be more love and graciousness that I could ever imagine.

Think about it.

In the linked blog post from November 11th of 2011, I wrote, in general, about the world's need and our responsibility to help. In that post I pointed out that not all are called to sponsor or go on missionary trips or the like. But God had laid on my heart the following:

"But God is God and we are human. Flawed humans who sometimes don't know what to do with all of our privileges, yet at the same time some of us don't know how to ask for help for what we need. 

Let God be God and let us do what we need to do: take action." 

Let God move and shake your heart. Let the realities of the world be shown to you and do not be afraid. God did not give us a spirit of fear. He calls us to action.

"For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."
~Ephesians 2:10


I pray that you lay your heart and your will before the Lord and see what He has in store for you.

"In all I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself, said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive."
~ Acts 20:35 (ESV)

Maybe a child who speaks a different language, lives on the other side of the world, will call you Godparent.

An 8-Year-Old's First Bible Study

Last night, Stepdaughter8, who I will call Miss G for storytelling's sake, asked me a whole bunch of very good and deep questions about God.

I chuckled because I did the very same thing to my mother when she would put me to bed: My questions were more psychological and worldly and not related to God (I didn't grow up knowing much about God). However, I have very fond memories of sitting on my mother's bed at bedtime and having what I called our "11:00 Psychology Talk." I did this as a preteen and teenager, not so much as an eight-year-old. At that age I was repeatedly asking Mom for a glass of water so she'd come back to my room for another kiss goodnight.

I swear Miss G has to come from my DNA, though, because the girl knows how to ask really good and deep questions. Already, we are no strangers to staying up a bit too late talking about "life stuff." To my delight, she has many questions about God that a child would have. Unfortunately, I can't spend the time I'd like to talking with her about it because it is bedtime, after all. I always promise myself to pick the conversation back up the next day...

but life usually gets in the way.

(But what life are you really living if you are too busy to talk about God?)

So back to last night: Miss G asked such good questions that I didn't want to "busy" myself out of them. I told her that we would talk about it the next day and, sure enough, right before bedtime we gathered at the kitchen table, she in her cotton, floor-length penguin nightgown, Bible in hand (the one given to her by our church) and questions ready to go.

One thing about Miss G is that she likes to talk. She is not always the best listener. And one thing about me is that when I talk I don't really know when to conclude. I usually make my point in circles.

So to focus us both, I made a list of four questions that Miss G came up with that we would try to tackle. This is what she came up with:

1. Why do they say "fear God?" Does it mean we ought to be afraid of Him?

2. Why does God have to stay up in the sky?

3. How did God never sin?

4. How was Jesus born?

Oh my goodness! Just looking at that list sent my head spinning. I asked her leading questions about #4 to see what all she knew about how babies are made in general...and decided that that question could wait a bit.

We talked about #2 first: Why does God have to stay up in the sky?

Slight diversion: my stepmother, when asked, told me that when I give my stepkids answers to tough questions, I am to be clear, concise, and to the point. I am to be as brief as possible. I hear this works.

Sadly, I do not work that way. Or maybe not so sad...because I think my stepkids are learning a greater vocabulary thanks to me. Either that or they are learning to be completely stumped by my strange metaphors, poetic and passionate language, and circular points.

Anyway, I gave her a succinct answer to #2:

God does not have to stay up in the sky, I said.

We talked about what Heaven was...we looked in her concordance...looked up verses that talked about Heaven...we talked about God's dwelling place....

but also how God is among us all the time. We talked how we can see God working in other people and ourselves - in how we love, trust, believe, serve, and act.

I know that is a hard concept for her to grasp. She wants to think of God as a person, asking how God was born...

we got sidetracked a bunch of times.

The second question we tackled was #1: Why do they say "fear God" in the Bible? Does that mean that we should be afraid of him?

I referenced biblegateway and looked up the word "fear" and all its meanings. Sure enough, I was able to explain it pretty simply. To fear, in a God-sense, means to respect, to show reverence for God.

Then I said something that wasn't on the docket. I knew it could go over her head...and perhaps it did...but I wanted her to start hearing it now because it is something I strongly believe.

I explained how we learn when we are young that God is all about love and forgiveness and joy. And yes, God is all those things. God blesses us with unimaginable gifts. However, I explained carefully, we ought to realize that we must also respect God and follow God's rules for our lives. God knows what is best for us. He is the Ultimate Parent - even more important than me and Daddy, I told Miss G. And while it is so important to know that God loves us, it is just as important to know that we have a responsibility to God to live our lives under His direction the best we can.

Sometimes you have to tell the truth even if it uses big words and grand ideas. 

In talking about respect, I asked Miss G: "how can you show respect for God?"

Her answer amazed me.

"By reading the Bible," she started. "And...going to church...and praying...every day...praying when you are sad or mad or when someone is mean to you or when you need something..."

I chuckled.

And then she said, "and you have to trust Him."

I stopped in my tracks.

I felt the Holy Spirit fill the room and I felt God whisper to me: take this opportunity.

I swallowed hard, prayed quickly for wisdom and guidance....

"All the things you said are great things," I told Miss G. "God certainly wants us to read the Bible, go to church, and pray every day."

She smiled, pleased that she had said the right answers.

"But what you said at the end....that is the most important, biggest, hugest, most gigantic thing of all."

Her eyes got big and curious.

"Because think about it," I said. "If you didn't trust God...and that includes loving Him...if you didn't trust that God was all-powerful and mighty and loving and all the things we know, would you want to go to church and read the Bible and pray every day?"

She was starting to catch on, but I knew I had to elaborate.

"If you thought the Bible was just a storybook, a fairy tale, just another cool book that parents read to kids at bedtime...would that make you realize how awesome God is? And then make you do all those things you listed before?"

She shook her head no.

We matched smiles and I continued: "It is so important to decide to love and trust God because then reading the Bible and going to church and praying will spring forth from that! It will be so much easier and more fun because you trust and believe."


It was getting late so I decided to end our lesson for tonight. I told her what "closing in prayer" meant and she joined me in thanking God for giving us this opportunity to talk together; I thanked God for giving Miss G a heart full of great questions and I asked God to continue to give Miss G strength to ask those questions, no matter what. I also prayed for Miss G as school would start soon and she would meet people who didn't share her beliefs. I prayed that Miss G would be strong in her love and trust in God and love those who were mean and to pray for them.

I could have gone on and on. I could have talked circles about loving, trusting, believing in God.

But I knew my little inquisitive 8-year-old girl had to get to bed.

And so I tucked her in, hugged, and kissed her goodnight.

I feel a glow inside me as I write this. I don't feel prideful or think, what a great stepmom I am. 

Rather, I think, what a great God we have!

I am so grateful that Miss G is who she is and I am who I am and God placed us together "for a time such as this" (Esther 4:14).

I am so honored by the role God has given me. Of course, I carry doubt and worry that I am not "qualified" to teach God's Word...that I don't know "enough..."

But God does not require us to have a PhD in Divinity Studies for us to share and teach about Him.

He asks us to love, trust, and obey Him.

And I think I did that tonight.

More importantly, with God's wisdom and guidance, I think I paved the way for a little girl to do just that..

****note: I realize that many could argue with the answers I gave Miss G. However, I feel I gave her the best answers for her maturity level that I could. Thank you for grace. ****

me and You

Sometimes

I have found

I am put in the Wilderness

just so I recognize

my need 

for God. 

Last night

thunder sounded

lightning struck

in the caverns

of my soul

leaving me to feel

empty

abandoned

completely forsaken

by everyone

and that is when

the enemy goads me

into thinking

You are alone

No one wants you around

You are a burden to everyone you love.

But God beckoned me out on the front porch last night

and I dialed multiple phone numbers

for help

to cry out to someone

whose voice I could hear,

whose prayer I could let settle over me

like the clouds I envision Him 

sitting upon. 

I finally got a hold of my pastor

(worrying about myself as burden

flared up the whole time)

and he prayed over me

and this house

for patience

for love

for many things

and, indeed,

I let the prayers settle over me

like the clouds I imagine God

sitting upon.

So the danger was over;

I felt the enemy flee

and while I sat there on the front porch

I took in the view.

The sky was dark from a before-rainstorm

and though night approached

the clouds began to stretch apart

from each other

to let some light in. 

And I saw

how very close

God was.

Not upon the clouds

way up high

far away

but very near

right beside me

in every moment. 

I felt very grateful for this. 

My mind, however, flipped back

like an old Rolodex

to things I needed to-do,

to-say,

to-think. 

My old habit of obsessive list-

making had resurfaced this month

and so I began thinking about

blogs I wanted to write

budgets I had to make

forms I had to fill out

questions I had to ask

obligations I had to fulfill

and how would I do those?

I thought about

how this or that would make a great essay

or photograph

but then I heard

No. 

No. 

This is about you and Me. 

No blog, no essay, no picture,

no budget, no human to talk to,

ask questions of,

no obligations, My child,

except you and Me,

sitting here

together.

And so I strove to put

those shirt-tug-thoughts

out of my mind

those annoying fruit-fly-thoughts

that return again and again

no matter how much you think

you've cleaned your soul out. 

I said,

Okay, God, 

days ago I prayed for a deeper relationship with you

I prayed for more intimacy and more intensity

More passion and more devotion. 

So here I am, God. 

No blog, no pictures, no essays, no lists.

Just me and You...

with trees swaying

wind stirring

light barely getting through.

I feel You, God. 

I did not think a prayer like I prayed

would have warranted such a 

wildernesstime

but I sat there

and every time one of those

fruit-fly-thoughts flew into view

I batted it away

and focused on God. 

I knew I was in God's presence

because I felt peace

love

and mercy. 

I sat there, transfixed, in awe,

desperately hoping, too,

that I could carry the peace with me

into the house

where all the commotion

began.

Songs went through my head:

"I Will Lift My Eyes" 

"Jesus, Hold Me Now"

"Let Me Rediscover You"

And I returned inside where everyone was already asleep. I entered the bedroom, knelt by the open patio door with the curtain dancing from the breeze - from the air that I felt God blow - that same breath I felt come into my own spirit. 

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

~ Job 33:4

By God's grace, I fell asleep with arms wrapped round me. 

I awoke this morning to a quiet house, the sky still hung low with dark clouds. I sat on that same porch and looked at that same wind decoration that Stepson5 had made, now hanging on the porch, swinging in the breeze, reminding me of God's breathing last night, the breath of life refueling me for another day in the wilderness -

yet not alone. 

I sat there and enjoyed the morning scent of wet grass, just-after-rain, fresh breeze. 

 

And while thoughts of today started buzzing around in my head

and, yes, as you can see I took picures

and, yes, as you can see I am writing this blog,

and, yes, as you might expect, I will probably make a list today...

I know God breathed life into me last night

and this morning

and will do so every day

and has done every day

I head out

feeling my Companion

so grateful

to have had 

my personal time

with Him

so grateful

that my Savior

certainly saved me

last night.

Reorientating

Watching this interview with favorite author, Ann Voskamp (an hour long - so worth it!)

Staying up too late soaking in the fresh breeze we are now able to feel through the screen doors which we've opened now that the heat has subsided.

I have the honor of assisting ministering at tomorrow's church service. This feeds an insatiable craving to serve on a larger level...

...and yet God still brings my gaze back to my husband and stepchildren and reminds me of my call to serve them first and foremost.

Thinking of the Sovereignty of God:

http://www.theopedia.com/Sovereignty_of_God
which, to me, means the Why's and praying for His Because's...which sometimes rest in silences

realizing, like Ann Voskamp said in her interview, my default is fear.

How I want to do all of this just right. I want to be a good wife, stepmother (I am a mother, in all practical ways), and mostly, a good and faithful child of God.

I care about and invest myself in helping the poor.

But do I show my dependence on Him for that which I lack here in my life?

At bedtime, I tell my 8 year old that God loves and takes care of her, but do I let my fear control me so that I am not showing that I believe and trust God to love and take care of me?

"I'm stumbling through it," Ann says. "It's not my default to get this right. My default is...I am fallen. And how do I intentionally reorient to the Cross, to Christ, and to Gospel again?"

So tonight, as I stumble over rocks which trip me up, rocks of my past, rocks of pain and heartache; tonight I cling to the Rock that is my Salvation and my Hope.

I pray that you are having a blessed and peaceful weekend, wherever you are.

And I am so grateful that we don't get it right all the time.

Because sometimes the sweetest thing is to be lovingly reorientated back to what matters most.

God lifts my head to Him. May He lift yours as well and bid you goodnight.

When Good is Maybe

I came home and wrote a hasty facebook update that said:

My hands are shaking from the amount of money the car guy told me we'll have to pay for my jeep to be fixed. I listened to faith radio all day today and they were pleading for child sponsorship. I ached to reach out to a 3rd child once more...decided to focus on the 2 I do sponsor and pour myself into that. But then the car. How do I reconcile all this lack and need with prosperity and having? And when my prosperity and having breaks down....and my hands shake due to fear of the not-enough....how do I reconcile all that?

 

I then heard the television on and turned my head to see the girls out in the backyard. Electricity on and nobody there to use it. Hot flashed to my face. Hands shook harder. I walked outside and asked them if they were out for good. The younger said yes. I told them what the problem was. And I faced my own problem.

You see, I wanted to cry out - not to them, but at them - I wanted to cry at them in fear and tell them how we had just lost a huge amount of money (in my mind) to my car being fixed and that we really can't afford to be throwing money out the window by leaving televisions and radios on when we are not using them. 

 And yet I also wanted to let them know that I believed and trusted God to provide. 

 And there was my problem: did I? Was I?

What came out was a paradox I am ashamed of which I said in haste and still-boiling irrational anger: 

"We just lost a lot of money in fixing my car and..... God will provide, we know...but what we do have we can't be throwing out the window by leaving the XBOX on while you are not even down there."

Older girl sighed sulky and younger looked down and mumbled, sorry. 

And as they walked back inside I had to look down in shame and mumble sorry because I had not said what I wanted to say, not modeled what I wanted to model. 

And Husband came in and I cried sad and shamed and leaned into his strength because I was too afraid to lean into His strength, too ashamed to even look up at my Father who I feared was so disappointed in me. 

 I let the world tell me my worth yet again. 

Husband listened and rubbed my temples, saying that maybe it is good for me to be wrestling with my trust in God. 

Because, he said, we have cars to worry about

and we have electricity that we can worry about wasting

and we have the ability to bring our car into a place right away should it break down

and we have a bank account of X amount of dollars to worry about it decreasing by Y amount. 

And I cried long and releasing as he continued to rub my temples lovingly. 

Speaking not in sharp, harsh tones, but in soft, gentle reminders to the girl lost in a current of doubt. 

I told him about the children I had heard about each time I got in my car and turned on the radio. How they lived in sub-sustaining conditions. They had no car, no electricity, no pet to worry about buying litter for. 

 How do I reconcile that? I asked him, tears rolling down cheeks easy. 

"Maybe it's good," Husband said...

And so I will sit here as Husband makes dinner and older girl asks to snack on ramen noodles and Husband answers, "but I'm making dinner right now" and he assures her that it won't be long and girl complains that she's hungry and I think about her lean frame and healthy weight and I think about too-thin, too-hungry children all around the world. 

How do we keep from playing the comparison game where we then feel guilty and burdened and then how do we accept the command to love the poor that Jesus has given us? 

  "Can I have a pickle? A teeny one?"

"Dinner will be ready as soon as I can make it."

"But Dad, I'm a growing teenager."

"And..."

"But..."

"And..."

"But..."

So I do not know how to end this post because there really is no end to the world's need, is there.

And I can imagine God thinking, "there is no end to my children's complaining, is there?"

And yet He loves us. And he continues to provide. 

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace
But Jesus, would You please . . .

~ "Gratitude" by Nichole Nordeman