me and You

Sometimes

I have found

I am put in the Wilderness

just so I recognize

my need 

for God. 

Last night

thunder sounded

lightning struck

in the caverns

of my soul

leaving me to feel

empty

abandoned

completely forsaken

by everyone

and that is when

the enemy goads me

into thinking

You are alone

No one wants you around

You are a burden to everyone you love.

But God beckoned me out on the front porch last night

and I dialed multiple phone numbers

for help

to cry out to someone

whose voice I could hear,

whose prayer I could let settle over me

like the clouds I envision Him 

sitting upon. 

I finally got a hold of my pastor

(worrying about myself as burden

flared up the whole time)

and he prayed over me

and this house

for patience

for love

for many things

and, indeed,

I let the prayers settle over me

like the clouds I imagine God

sitting upon.

So the danger was over;

I felt the enemy flee

and while I sat there on the front porch

I took in the view.

The sky was dark from a before-rainstorm

and though night approached

the clouds began to stretch apart

from each other

to let some light in. 

And I saw

how very close

God was.

Not upon the clouds

way up high

far away

but very near

right beside me

in every moment. 

I felt very grateful for this. 

My mind, however, flipped back

like an old Rolodex

to things I needed to-do,

to-say,

to-think. 

My old habit of obsessive list-

making had resurfaced this month

and so I began thinking about

blogs I wanted to write

budgets I had to make

forms I had to fill out

questions I had to ask

obligations I had to fulfill

and how would I do those?

I thought about

how this or that would make a great essay

or photograph

but then I heard

No. 

No. 

This is about you and Me. 

No blog, no essay, no picture,

no budget, no human to talk to,

ask questions of,

no obligations, My child,

except you and Me,

sitting here

together.

And so I strove to put

those shirt-tug-thoughts

out of my mind

those annoying fruit-fly-thoughts

that return again and again

no matter how much you think

you've cleaned your soul out. 

I said,

Okay, God, 

days ago I prayed for a deeper relationship with you

I prayed for more intimacy and more intensity

More passion and more devotion. 

So here I am, God. 

No blog, no pictures, no essays, no lists.

Just me and You...

with trees swaying

wind stirring

light barely getting through.

I feel You, God. 

I did not think a prayer like I prayed

would have warranted such a 

wildernesstime

but I sat there

and every time one of those

fruit-fly-thoughts flew into view

I batted it away

and focused on God. 

I knew I was in God's presence

because I felt peace

love

and mercy. 

I sat there, transfixed, in awe,

desperately hoping, too,

that I could carry the peace with me

into the house

where all the commotion

began.

Songs went through my head:

"I Will Lift My Eyes" 

"Jesus, Hold Me Now"

"Let Me Rediscover You"

And I returned inside where everyone was already asleep. I entered the bedroom, knelt by the open patio door with the curtain dancing from the breeze - from the air that I felt God blow - that same breath I felt come into my own spirit. 

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

~ Job 33:4

By God's grace, I fell asleep with arms wrapped round me. 

I awoke this morning to a quiet house, the sky still hung low with dark clouds. I sat on that same porch and looked at that same wind decoration that Stepson5 had made, now hanging on the porch, swinging in the breeze, reminding me of God's breathing last night, the breath of life refueling me for another day in the wilderness -

yet not alone. 

I sat there and enjoyed the morning scent of wet grass, just-after-rain, fresh breeze. 

 

And while thoughts of today started buzzing around in my head

and, yes, as you can see I took picures

and, yes, as you can see I am writing this blog,

and, yes, as you might expect, I will probably make a list today...

I know God breathed life into me last night

and this morning

and will do so every day

and has done every day

I head out

feeling my Companion

so grateful

to have had 

my personal time

with Him

so grateful

that my Savior

certainly saved me

last night.