Thursday, August 9, 2012

me and You

I have found
I am put in the Wilderness
just so I recognize
my need 
for God. 

Last night
thunder sounded
lightning struck
in the caverns
of my soul

leaving me to feel
completely forsaken
by everyone

and that is when
the enemy goads me
into thinking

You are alone

No one wants you around

You are a burden to everyone you love.

But God beckoned me out on the front porch last night
and I dialed multiple phone numbers
for help
to cry out to someone
whose voice I could hear,
whose prayer I could let settle over me
like the clouds I envision Him 
sitting upon. 

I finally got a hold of my pastor
(worrying about myself as burden
flared up the whole time)
and he prayed over me
and this house
for patience
for love
for many things
and, indeed,
I let the prayers settle over me
like the clouds I imagine God
sitting upon.

So the danger was over;
I felt the enemy flee
and while I sat there on the front porch
I took in the view.

The sky was dark from a before-rainstorm
and though night approached
the clouds began to stretch apart
from each other
to let some light in. 

And I saw
how very close
God was.
Not upon the clouds
way up high
far away

but very near
right beside me
in every moment. 

I felt very grateful for this. 

My mind, however, flipped back
like an old Rolodex
to things I needed to-do,
My old habit of obsessive list-
making had resurfaced this month
and so I began thinking about

blogs I wanted to write
budgets I had to make
forms I had to fill out
questions I had to ask
obligations I had to fulfill
and how would I do those?
I thought about
how this or that would make a great essay
or photograph

but then I heard



This is about you and Me. 

No blog, no essay, no picture,

no budget, no human to talk to,

ask questions of,

no obligations, My child,

except you and Me,

sitting here


And so I strove to put
those shirt-tug-thoughts
out of my mind
those annoying fruit-fly-thoughts
that return again and again
no matter how much you think
you've cleaned your soul out. 

I said,

Okay, God, 

days ago I prayed for a deeper relationship with you

I prayed for more intimacy and more intensity

More passion and more devotion. 

So here I am, God. 

No blog, no pictures, no essays, no lists.

Just me and You...

with trees swaying

wind stirring

light barely getting through.

I feel You, God. 

I did not think a prayer like I prayed
would have warranted such a 
but I sat there
and every time one of those
fruit-fly-thoughts flew into view
I batted it away
and focused on God. 

I knew I was in God's presence
because I felt peace
and mercy. 

I sat there, transfixed, in awe,
desperately hoping, too,
that I could carry the peace with me
into the house
where all the commotion

Songs went through my head:

And I returned inside where everyone was already asleep. I entered the bedroom, knelt by the open patio door with the curtain dancing from the breeze - from the air that I felt God blow - that same breath I felt come into my own spirit. 

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
~ Job 33:4

By God's grace, I fell asleep with arms wrapped round me. 

I awoke this morning to a quiet house, the sky still hung low with dark clouds. I sat on that same porch and looked at that same wind decoration that Stepson5 had made, now hanging on the porch, swinging in the breeze, reminding me of God's breathing last night, the breath of life refueling me for another day in the wilderness -

yet not alone. 

I sat there and enjoyed the morning scent of wet grass, just-after-rain, fresh breeze. 

And while thoughts of today started buzzing around in my head
and, yes, as you can see I took picures
and, yes, as you can see I am writing this blog,
and, yes, as you might expect, I will probably make a list today...

I know God breathed life into me last night
and this morning
and will do so every day
and has done every day

I head out
feeling my Companion

so grateful
to have had 
my personal time
with Him

so grateful
that my Savior
certainly saved me
last night.

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